Hey blog, it's been a minute! My writing has taken a back burner over the past year or so...  I haven't been doing much exploring outside the PNW lately. I've been more rooted than I have been in a long time here in Bend, Oregon. I spent the past year working in my first ever salary-wage position and not taking much time off. But that's all about to change... :)

In one week I'll be heading to Japan, and another three weeks after that, Africa.

I started feeling a hankering for a life change about half a year ago, and began thinking about putting my yoga teaching certification to use more. Before I even had time to give that thought much consideration, I was grabbing a beer with my friend (and badass mountain babe) Maddie, and she mentioned needing a yoga teacher for an upcoming retreat she was hosting. In Japan. All women. Skiing and practicing yoga daily. Not to mention some other amazing perks.

And that's how this life change all began, just like that! I couldn't remember a time I'd felt more excited about showing up to something as I did when I said “yes" to Japan.

From there, life seemed to keep opening doors for me that I kept deciding to walk through, even when it meant needing to shut some others.

Bend has provided me with all one could ever wish for in a home... loving community, endless fun activities, healthy food, a beautiful place to foster external connection and internal reflection... so why leave?

Maybe in part to remind myself that home isn't a place on the globe, it's a place in my heart. I need to create space to nestle into that home again. I'm incredibly influenced by those around me, so sometimes I need to drift around for a bit to rediscover my own personal influence.

And really I'm just “winging it" at this whole life thing. Why not? I mean it's taken me some absolutely incredible places so far. Plus I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one out there doing the same... ;) The older I get the more I believe we don't actually know much about life, our own or in general. Some of the most clarity around this comes when we chose to let go and wing it for a while.

Let Go & Trust. I notice some of my past travel mantras resurfacing the closer I get to leaving. Ready to guide me once again. I've missed them.

I'm encountering new ground too, as I learn to trust in a new realm. Trusting my heart in a new relationship. Little did I know that when Sam, a friend of mine from the University of Oregon, messaged me in late summer to meet up, he also had romantic intentions on his mind. Even though he had plans to travel to Africa, it didn't take long for us to fall hard and fast for one another. And I quickly became a factor in his travel plans (“welcome to factorville!").

Traveling with someone is a big commitment, but is something I've been craving since I was last abroad. So when Sam suggested it, with his non-pressuring confidence, it was another easy “yes". Or, “fuck it," I believe is what I said first. I know, I know, sooo romantic. Before long we had committed to a volunteer position at a school in rural Tanzania for three months. And things have only been getting better from there.

So fast forwarding to now, I am moving out of my house in Bend, just quit my job at New Vision Wilderness Therapy, having daily FaceTime chats with Sam (who is currently in Nigeria), and making my final preparations for my travels! That begin in one short week!

A more detailed itinerary (for Mom and Dad):

• 1/13 Drive to Portland
• 1/14 Fly from Portland to Tokyo
• 1/16 Travel to Hakuba Valley
• 1/20 - 1/27 Co-host Women's Ski + Yoga Retreat with Maddie
• 1/27 - 2/2 Co-host Women's Ski Retreat with Maddie
• 2/4 Fly from Tokyo to Portland
• 2/4 Drive to Sisters, rest, re-pack for Africa
• 2/6 Fly from Redmond to Africa
• 2/8 Reunite with Mr. Sam in Tanzania
• 2/10 Travel to the village where we will be living
• 2/11 - 4/30 Volunteer, play, travel, explore, embrace Africa
• 4/30 Fly from Africa to Redmond (yes, I have a return flight this time!)
• 5/1 Sleep for a week :)

I will do my darnedest to update this often with pictures, stories, insights, and updates. I am filled to the brim with love and support and feel beyond grateful to be diving into this new chapter. Even if I don't know what I'm doing ;) so on that note, I leave you with this...


“When you walk to the edge of all the light you have
and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown,
you must believe that one of two things will happen.
There will be something solid for you to stand upon,
or you will be taught to fly.” 

— Patrick Overton

“...the symbolism and science of celestial eclipse attest to a provisional extinguishing of the light, inevitably followed by its welcome resurgence" - The Book of Symbols

The darkness is always followed by light. Nature teaches us that, and millions of us we're able to witness that today. I wept as the moon and sun aligned to bring out the night sky and the mystical colors on the mountains today in Sisters, Oregon. A place where only two weeks ago I wept as this community celebrated the life of Taylor. I thought of a poem her sister read at the service, “A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam... and for a brief moment its glory and beauty belong to our world... but then it flies on again, and although we wish it could have stayed, we are so thankful to have seen it at all". I thought of this again when Ellie passed away, searching for memories of her in her glory and beauty, and searching for the light that had to be there from the darkness of losing her. And now I think of this today, having my world rocked witnessing the eclipse and wishing it would last a second more but rejoicing in gratitude for having the experience at all. I've had dreams about the eclipse all week and now that it's happened I am aware of its significance, not only in my life but in the lives of the millions of people coming together, for a moment to be still in absolute awe. A sublime reminder that we are a part of this larger system, the cycle of existence on a massive scale. I felt the spirits of those no longer with us still present in the surreal moments of the morning, and it was beautifully healing. To experience the emotions of death and rebirth mirrored by the most spectacular celestial death and rebirth event I'll ever witness... it was all aligned. Today I am grateful as I embrace the light, the dark, and the inevitable resurgence of light. 

This morning I was driving on I-84 outside of Boise when about a hundred feet in front of me I saw a car flipping and pin-balling across the four lane highway. I felt my heart drop like a weight into my stomach and tears immediately rushed to my eyes—I thought I was watching someone die.

I imagine this was my first thought because of how raw the deaths of two of my friends are... wild Taylor Nieri and sweet Ellie Bartlett. Both in the past month, both in tragic car accidents. Both of who I am still very much so grieving. 

I pulled over to the left side of the highway behind a couple other cars which had done the same. Without thinking, I felt my body turn on my flashers, grab my phone, unbuckle, and make my way across the highway. On the opposite side, two men were helping a girl in a green dress out of the upside down car. She was screaming and crying, and when they sat her down, I found myself hustling to sit right by her side. I asked if there was anyone else in the car and she shook her head between tears. One of the men called 911 and another took her pulse and I rubbed her back and instinctually said, "everything's going to be okay". 

Miraculously, she wasn't hurt other than a scratch on her ankle and a bruise on her elbow. I even heard myself say that it was a miracle she was alive. She was very shooken up and said she needed to call her mom, so I gave her my phone and she made the quick call. She sobbed out that she was clipped by a semi and her car spun out and flipped multiple times, that she was okay, and that she was sorry. I was surprised by that one... she had just been hit and could've died and yet she was apologizing? I understood though, when I reflected back to being hit on my bike in India, and the first word out of my mouth was "sorry". And now it's a word I've heard so often in the past month of grieving these two girls. Maybe it's what we instinctively say when we just have no other words.

Two police arrived and asked her what happened. She told them her name and age (nineteen!) and explained how a semi was changing lanes behind her, clipped the back of her car which initiated a series of skids and flips, eventually landing her upside down on the opposite side of the highway. She cried and repeated that it was so scary. 

I told them I didn't see what happened but that we called her mom who lived nearby and was on her way.

They asked if she could remember anything about the truck and all she could remember was that it was white and maroon. She said she wishes she could remember more. The asshole just drove off :(

I sat with her and talked briefly, holding her hand and taking deep breaths. She was so scared and sad and upset about her car. I couldn't help but open up to her... "I feel compelled to share with you that in the past month I've lost two friends in two separate car accidents. I know things seem bad right now. And you're so lucky to be alive. It's such a blessing that you're okay". She squeezed my hand and nodded.

At some point the paramedics came and I scooted away so they could do an assessment. She bravely repeated the story and turned down the ambulance ride when they offered. Still they walked her over to it and inside to continue to monitor her. The police asked where I was parked and said they'd help get me across to my car. But I knew she wanted her phone so I ducked down besides the totaled car and followed an aux cord to an iPhone, playing a song from the Moana soundtrack.

I walked it over to the ambulance where she sat with a blanket around her shoulders and handed it over, saying I found it and that I was probably about to leave. She took it, then my hand, and looked me in the eyes for the first time. She said, "thank you, so much, for everything," and a paramedic nodded. I told her I was so happy she was okay. We smiled and I walked away. 

I sat near her car on the concrete highway barrier and watched the slow traffic as my thoughts sped up, trying to make sense of it. What was the significance of it all? How come I happened to be there? What are the fking chances? And all of this just after two of my friends were in fatal car accidents. What message could I interpret from all of this?

The police helped stop traffic so I could get across to my Jeep, which I had never even turned off. I buckled and steadily merged back into traffic. And it was over.

But it wasn't, my mind was racing about what had just happened. How random, yet entirely not random. How fragile our lives actually are. I thought of how scared she was and how instinctually I stepped in and next to that fear. I just hoped my friends didn't have to feel too much fear before it was over.

I don't remember either of them being afraid, ever. Or at least they didn't live their lives by it. Taylor was never afraid to lead a route or climb the highest or get naked in front of total strangers. Ellie was never afraid of what others thought of her latest hair/clothing style, or to go on solo adventures, or to downhill mountain bike faster than anyone. 

They certainly were never afraid of driving to get to those adventures. So what choice did I have? I could live in fear everytime I entered a car, or I could live like them. Fearless. Choosing to LIVE and be FREE and BRAVE and WILD. 

I remembered an important quote, that bravery isn't the absence of fear. It's acknowledging all the fears and still doing it. Knowing the risks of falling off the rock or wiping out or being vulnerable in front of others. But the greatest fear of all would be to NOT do something because of fear. To let that force be stronger than love. 

I think this is what Taylor and Ellie would want. For us to be brave, and to not live any bit less because they can't, but rather to live extra. To go bigger and harder and wilder. And to also be more loving, and open, and graceful to one another. We definitely need some of that right now.

I have been embracing the duality of light and dark throughout this month. When something horrible and shitty and sad happens, it's hard to see past its horribleness and shittiness and sadness. And I have to believe that there is something that can grow out of the space that they left us with... it has to. I suppose I am starting to find the lightness in this, shining through the breaks in my heart, inspiring me to move forward. To not sit too still and too long in the darkness, but to talk and share and cry and laugh and live. 

So today I moved, I moved across traffic to a scene where I feared the worst, yet left with faith and hope. Faith that I can get behind the wheel of a car without being struck with fear. Hope that I can live for those who can't, and that we can shine on the everlasting light of Tay and Bart every single day. 

[most of the following was written a month ago but I'm only getting around to finishing and posting it now... more to come!]

As suspected, my quick 3-day stop back in Auroville flew by... But I loved every second of it. Have you ever lived somewhere a while and then been able to show it to someone else for the first time? When I have these experiences I often find a new appreciation for the place, and this proved true as I shared Auroville with Kelsey. Arriving back to the International House was very special, filled with hugs and excitement, and also a sense of subtle change. Most of the guests were different from the last time I was there so I had some new faces to learn in addition to the old.

Kelsey and I went next door for a farm-fresh lunch thali then we relaxed in our shared room. We rented a moped to share which took us to Pondicherry the next day.

Kelsey was new to this area of India so it felt special to introduce her to the city which was my introduction to India! She was in her element snapping pictures along the promenade of the colorfully dressed women.

We went to the Sunday Market and I bought some gifts and spices before going to a late lunch with Kelsey and Sumit. We cruised back from there and I said bye to Pondy for a while... But it still wasn't really hitting me that I was leaving. I had to put all my focus on not crashing the moped with Kelsey on the back as I navigated the now familiar city streets.

That night we went with friends to the beach at dusk and watched the waves and the moon.

 After an hour or so we decided to go get some dinner, but right when we were walking up to our bikes I couldn't seem to find the key. I didn't panic but I was definitely worried that I had just dropped the only access to our poor rental moped in the sand. Somewhere. I searched my bag and Kelsey began to look around with her phone light, and somehow magically found it in the sand nearby half-buried 😳 WHOOPS that was a close one. But another crisis averted! Pizza dinner, then chai and games with the ever-growing International House crew, then a good night's rest.

I got up early to get ready for the farm and reunite with Pierre, Debu, and Nitin, my little farm family. 

It was so good to be back, I spent more time at this farm than anywhere else during my one at Auroville so it holds a very special place in my heart and it contributed daily to my growth. I loved seeing the subtle ways in which the operations and plants had shown growth since I had last been there. I had nothing but gratitude to spread to it all, and planted the final sprouts that I would here, wishing them a safe journey.

After breakfast, Nitin helped me package seeds from the farm for gifts and gardening back home, so a taste of Shambhala will grow back in the states as well! I went for one last chai with them before heading to the Matrimandir for one final visit.

I arrived after they had closed the door, but thankfully the kind people working there let me enter. I was instructed to slowly walk towards the door at the base of the globe to set off the sensor and it would slide open, and sure enough like out of some futuristic movie this massive gold curved door slowly slid underneath the opening as I walked the steps up to the entrance. I felt welcomed, and knew the Mother's grace allowed me to be there this day. I walked the ramps up to the meditation chamber alone, and entered with a pounding heart and gratitude to return to this special place.

The following day was my last day at the school was filled with play and laughs and hugs and lots of little hands waving goodbye. I'll never forgot those sweet little faces and mischievous personalities.

 The teachers and I were tearing up as we parted ways, likely to never see each other again but still filled with a deep sense of connection and care for one another. 

The hardest goodbyes happened that evening back at the International House.  The sweet family who ran the place had been like my extended family throughout my stay. The daughter asked if we could bake some cookies together on their small wood stove, so that's how we spent our last evening together. Sumit and Kelsey were there to help as well, and I stress-ate cookie dough as I kept checking the gate for my (late) taxi to Chennai. 

When it finally pulled up, I scooped up my bags and gave my final hugs and met my eleven-fingered taxi driver. He showed me the extra pinky finger on his left hand and told me how it meant he was lucky/blessed/etc. He picked up an older French musician and drove the two of us to the Chennai airport, where we split the fare and parted ways. It was really happening. I smoothly navigated my way through the familiar airport, wondering when I'd be here again. I switched into travel mode and mentally prepared for the three flights ahead of me, taking me only to familiar places now. 

• • •

If you're reading this, thanks for sticking with me. I have now spent over a month back in the states and this post was long overdue. But the real overdue one is still in the works... I hope to write more of an update and reflection on the trip as a whole, now that I'm back in the land of drinking tap water and breathing cool air. Stay tuned :) 

There's something I really love about train travel in India. I find it to be my favorite form of transportation while I'm here, and a quintessential India experience. It's direct, no need to deal with winding roads or traffic, requires very little effort, a lot of beautiful scenery, and it's cheapcheap. It's amazing how popular train travel is in India compared to the west... it inspires me to seek out this transportation more in my life because it honors both the journey and the destination.

I arrived at the Canacona train station around noon and decided to walk the nearly 3km to Patnem Beach, which turned into a combo of me walking and hitching two motorbikes to cut down on the distance. I found myself on the beautiful Goan beach and walked along looking for Kelsey. After only a couple minutes I saw her and called out and then I was having my next beautiful beach reunion!

More than anyone in my life, I have the most similar overlap of locations lived/visited as Kelsey Hayden. We're both from Colorado, about an hour apart from one another. We both went to college at the U of O. Both traveled through SE Asia after college, in fact her trip really inspired and helped me to take on my trip that following year. It was almost no surprise when we discovered we'd be in India at the same time! 

Kelsey was finishing up a challenging and meaningful month at a yoga teacher training course in southern Goa. When I arrived all she had left to do was attend her final ceremony that evening, so after some lunch with a couple of her friends at Patnem, we went back so they could get ready. I felt so blessed to get to stay with her in her lovely cottage and also to witness their heart-touching ceremony.

(Easily the nicest accommodation I'd had in a while!)

It was so sweet catching up with Kelsey. To hear all about her journey thus far and to see my own experiences of overcoming hardships reflected back... Traveling India is no easy feat and to share that experience with someone who I've shared so many other experiences with gave me a sense of recognition and home.

The next morning I woke up naturally early and decided to do some yoga in the shala. Some of the other new teachers trickled in and invited me to join them in a big 108 sun salutations practice. 108 is a sacred number and completing this many sun salutations (cycles of about 5 yoga positions) brings a powerful and spiritual energy to a space. So I went for it! We all flowed together through cycles of 10, pushing through pain and sweat and doubt to one of the most memorable and profound hours of yoga of my life. Those final 8 rounds felt so satisfying, and led me to the best savansana rest I can ever remember. Not a bad way to start the day!

After packing and breakfast, Kelsey and I moved down to Agonda Beach for the day. We split a room near some other folks from her course then we all had relaxing beach time together!

Soaking up the sun before heading back to rainy Portland! We had a very chill day filled with good food and great conversations. 

Horseback rider and cricket games on Agonda beach...

That evening we bought some fruit for the morning and booked a cab to the airport. We had a 7am flight from Goa to Chennai, meaning we had to leave the guesthouse around 4am. Despite the very early wake up, the day went smoothly and we arrived into that familiar Chennai airport. It was my first time out of many arriving here domestically and I was surprised how comfortable it all was to me... And smaller somehow. I think I've been growing.

I ran into a wonderful woman who I'd previously met in Auroville and she was returning there from Goa as well. She shared a taxi with Kelsey and I down the coast and we had lovely talks about our experiences. Getting closer to Auroville felt a bit surreal. It was a homecoming, a return to the source, and the final resting stop of all the places my soul had been over the past three months. Auroville welcomed us with that familiar warmth (figurately and literally) and it felt so good to be "home" one last time before going "home" ❤️❤️