And just like that, my time in Auroville has come to an end (for now, at least)... I have had many conversations here about the strange passage of time because we have all experienced some sort of bizarre time warp while being here, no matter how long or short we are actually staying. Hours can either pass like minutes or days, and days like hours or months. There's no way to really explain it but I'm sure it has something to do with the present flow and ease of this place. It used to throw me off, now I fully embrace the flow and suspect I'll miss it. Soon.

I'm amazed at my familiarity with this place after such a short time. There were so many unknowns and I had so many questions when I arrived, and now I find myself answering those same questions for others with ease. I remember thinking I'd made it when an Indian stopped me on the road and asked me for directions somewhere! To which I quickly and accurately directed him! Unreal. I also recognize many subtleties in the environment, from noises to people to smells to weather patterns, and am even starting to recognize all the local doggos.

As much exploration I've done in my external world, I've done tenfold in my internal world. And I'd like to humbly try to put some of that into words, but DISCLAIMER: I won't fully be able to. It's like describing the taste of chocolate to someone's who's never had it... I could write a thousand words but it still wouldn't be enough. And this is okay and and I'm sorry I can't give specific examples for all of these heady ideas right now. That's what our future conversations will be for:) But maybe these words will evoke a deeper understanding so either way thanks for temporarily entering my internal world.

Without knowing where this journey would take me, so many themes came up in the course of being here. The first was trust.. This is a big one! I embraced this intention/mantra/resolution at the start of the year and it instantly played into my travels here and has be the sweet subtle force taking me along the ups and downs and twists and turns of my journey. 

It's like my brain has slowly been rewired, I have let go of stress around schedules/structure/time and embraced patience instead. Something new magical and indescribable has been happening with this too — I'll have been interested in attending something but the days will unfold and my conscious brain will forget, but at just the right time some part of me will bring a reminder from my unconscious to my conscious and I'll be able to make it happen. Or I'll naturally wake up just in time to make it somewhere, other things like this. It's been surprising and delightful and I hope it doesn't stop.

My connection to the spirit of the Mother here is based in this trust, I can surrender to the divine influence and ask for understanding and grace along my path. And the Mother has shown me that the more I can do this, the more at peace I am with everything. She's showed me how the noise is all just a song and the movement is all just a dance. It's all an opportunity for awareness, growth, and that ever-trusting surrender to the flow.

Closely related to this is finding healthy detachment to it all, from situation outcomes to my possessions to loved ones to where I want to go for dinner! Yes there is an unhealthy way to be detached, but I mean it in a sense that everything is constantly changing and (in a world where people are increasingly identifying themselves by what they possess) it's healthy to have space and acknowledge the impermanence of it all. 

This space is where generosity and gratitude live, so the bigger the space the more those can thrive! I have found my conscience urging me to be more generous and less possessive which has brought me simplicity in the joy of sharing. I find too the more I share and give the more I seem to receive, both as an internal reward and from the world around me. Same with gratitude, the more I express it, the more appreciation I actually feel for all the little things around me. The beauty of gratitude is it so quickly unravels all the ickyness of ego and selfishness and jealousy. Pause, breathe, find some gratitude... It's always there.

Speaking of the ego, I have been experiencing a much heightened awareness of all the ways it shows up in life. I am checking my ego in almost every interaction I have, and realizing how much it creeps into my life without really noticing it. It's like a dark shadow but as soon as I point the light of awareness on it, it's gone. This has given me space to connect with others in a more genuine way and helped dispel negative thoughts around competition, defensiveness, and judgement. Each time I bring awareness to my ego, and acknowledge the presence of other's, I feel more freedom from it. We are not our egos, our thoughts, our possessions or our experiences. There's so so much more, and that's now what I'm looking for in myself and others.

This brings me to connection. This one is difficult to write about since I'm struggling with how our world shifting in the ways that people are connecting. It seems so artificial and surface-level... I don't think I need to go into this too much because everyone knows what I'm talking about here. 

While I've been in Auroville I've had so many interesting opportunities to challenge connection. Through workshops or shared experiences I've been thrown into vulnerable spaces with strangers and we've been expected to quickly connect. I had considered myself an open person before, but in the early days here I became aware of how I actually was pretty closed off and felt I had a wall up to people as a means of protection. And everyone has this and it is useful in certain areas of our lives for sure. But to go into new relationships with people seemingly very different from me without this wall... Wow. I've been able to form such fast, deep, and meaningful connections here. And the more open-heartedly I enter into a connection the more I find it is reciprocated, so that safe vulnerability and comfort is shared.

I find though that my connections with others in my life isn't always as genuine and that's been hard for me lately. Especially because I have been trying to be vulnerable on these posts and have put a lot of effort into connecting with people via thoughtful mail as opposed to social media comments and it hasn't been feeling reciprocated. And of course it is understandable that I'm half a world away from my people and that we naturally connect more in person with the people around us. But I don't think I expected to realize how surface-level a lot of my relationships actually are. 

I own up to not always being present in these relationships too... I have a tendency to fluctuate in proximity to those in my life (blame it on being a Gemini), but in general there hasn't been an overflow of reciprocal love within my communities lately. And I need that! We need that.

So I'm doing something maybe counter-intuitive. I'm getting off social media. I don't know for how long (impermanence), but I need to have real interactions with my people! Phone calls or letters or even texting go so much farther and are so much more expressive of genuine experience than social media is. But it isn't easy and it takes energy and time and presence and commitment to connection. And that's exactly the challenge I have for myself and for the people in my life. Let's CONNECT, really connect. I care, and I am realizing how it's the only thing that really matters in the end. Not how many likes we got. What was the quality and depth of our relationships, how real and vulnerable and expressive and curious could we be with one another, that's the shit I do like!

It's not hard to leave Auroville because it was peaceful or beautiful or easy here. Leaving Auroville is hard because it means leaving the people here. When I close my eyes I see the faces of my friends at the farm and the sweet kiddos and everyone at the international house and the random other connections I made here. The people make the place. I knew that before but it was just reinforced tenfold and I leave now with a full heart and a challenge to connect to the amazing people in my life with a depth that I was able to with these ones.

There's so much more to say but the sun is rising and I have to pack and catch a bus so I'll summarize by saying that Auroville has taught me so, so much. And it's not like I was in a class being taught, but all of this wisdom was partially known already in my soul and this was just the time and place it needed to be more fully realized. I came here with unrealistic expectations on finding the meaning to my life and conquering all the unknowns in my life (HAH). What I gained was an understanding that all the unknowns, the challenges and confusions and difficult wtf-am-I-doing-with-my-life moments, the painful emotions, all of it will continue. And this understanding is one I embrace with peace and ease and love, not fear. It's a balance, it's connected, it's all a song and a dance... and I'm jammin out.

I tend to start these posts with a mile marker on my time in Auroville, although recently I haven't been basing time off of how long I have been here but rather how long until I leave. Maybe because that's shorter, or I have lost track of how long it's actually been, or because I'm just excited about what's to come.

I have three days until I hop on a series of buses to Tiruvannamalai where I will be checking in for my vipassana course on March 1st. Then I'll begin 10 days in absolute silence, and no external stimulus or communication whatsoever. Woah. Maybe thinking about this is making me feel more scatterbrained lately, I know that if I want to do any research or talk to anyone or write any blog posts it all needs to happen, well, now. 

So here we go!

I am so happy to hear that some of my snail mail has been making it to the states! It's always a gamble with India post....

I have been thinking a lot about connection lately, the ways that I connect with others both in person and from afar. The people who have been closest to me lately are the ones I've spent the most time with here, reciprocating time and energy. This means that I feel pretty disconnected to people back at home, which I suppose is understandable but also makes me question the ways in which we are connecting in global communities... More to say on this in my next blog post!

I have made blatantly aware all the moments which I become disconnected from myself as well...

I have not properly closed my water bottle not once but TWICE and on the second time my notebook fell victim to the water damage. Lessons both in impermanence and mindfulness. The irony is I am currently missing said water bottle, I must have left it somewhere yesterday so now I get to (mindfully) retrace my steps!

Also that money I thought was stolen? I just found it today while I was packing some things, in a small zipper in a small bag I haven't used in a month. I feel like a big ol dummy. Where is my mind?

I could list more examples but the takeaway is to be more connected and aware of what I'm doing! I have only myself to hold responsible, which is the only place to start to change.

Mindful eating too! I have had so much fresh fruit and veggies here, at an amazingly affordable cost and almost completely local. I have also had impulsive eats of fried street food and sweets/chocolate and bites of meat offered from friends at dinner. None of these leave me feeling as good as when I'm eating the fresh, healthy veg meals. I have my indigestion to thank for this obvious lesson. I am looking forward to vipassana for the routine of simple meals and a depth of relationship with the food I'm nourishing my body with.

This was a good one :) 

And this custom thali because they were out of their lunch one, and it was arguably wayyy better!

And some melty, delicious, natural, unforgettable mint chocolate ice cream >>>

On Tuesday was the Mother's birthday, a person and day that holds so much significance in this place. I woke up at 5am to sit in this amphitheater under a starry night sky with the only light being the crescent moon and the candles in the center. For the next half an hour hundreds of people trickled in and sat in silence as they filled up the amphitheater. We all sat there meditating on the Mother and hearing the birdsong come to life and watching the gradual revealing of the most memorable and meaningful sunrise I'd ever witnessed. The colors were amazing and I could feel the light, beautiful spirit of the Mother as the sky was slowly decorated with harmonious colors.

After some time everyone began walking around and dispersing for the day, and I grabbed this shot just as the sun was peeking out over the trees. 

Now usually the Matrimandir is closer to visitors on Tuesdays, but I had the opportunity to spend the entire day here since the school group I volunteer with had arranged to visit for the day! It was special to be able to spend the day in this place where I feel so connected to the spirit of the Mother on her birthday, even if it did mean I was herding cats alongside the teachers.

We got the rascals to sit still every once in a while ;)

The silence part was a little more challenging for them, but the message I got from Mother that day is it's all a song and a dance. And all songs end but to find the music in the moment and the play in the dance. I knew she didn't mind. 

The funniest moment (now, not then) was just after this picture was taken when one of the little boys accidentally stepped into the fountain and broke one of the thin marble slabs! The people working there looked shocked and upset but what could they do? He's only three, and we just got on out of there... Whoooops haha.

From the first day I visited the Matrimandir over two years ago, I felt there was more for me there, the Mother was beckoning me back. And here I was on her birthday running around and playing throughout the entire structure and Park of Unity with little local kiddos and I just couldn't believe it. Again in my life I had a deep sense of connection and feeling like I was right where I was meant to be... It was an incredibly special day.

I rounded off my day of celebrating the Mother with a visit to her room in the Sri Aurobindo Ashram in Pondicherry. Debu helped get us tokens for entry and we waited for hours alongside hundreds of other devotees, some of whom had travelled all day to be there, to pay tribute to the sweet Mother.

Right as we climbed the stairs up to her room the sky was beginning another work of art. Her room sits above the other building tops so the open view to the west where the sun was setting was absolutely beautiful. Again in my life I felt her strong, wise energy washing over me. Seeing the beauty of the sunrise from the Matrimandir and the sunset from her room was especially unforgettable. So much love and connection and gratitude flowed through me all day.

Speaking of sunrises and sunsets, I don't know why but they have been remarkable lately. I've been making an attempt to see each one every morning and evening, which is not difficult at all to achieve and is powerful and transformative and always worth it :)

This was the sky behind my guesthouse the other night...

And Sumit and I caught an incredible sunrise at the beach on Saturday!

His motorcycle ran out of petrol on the way but we had gotten just far enough to coast to a main road where there were shops with more! We refilled and parked just as the sun was about to rise over the horizon... Magic. This was taken on the end of a rock jetty next to the beach. Pretty cool to start the day IN the Bay of Bengal!

And this was the sunset that day, from the rooftop of a beachside resort after my friend Lizzie and I did a meditation class downstairs. 

So good for the soul!

A bit of bonus wisdom — I finished a book I had started just before leaving for India. It's called Tracks by Robyn Davidson and is about her solo journey trekking across Australia with only her dog and camels as company (except for the occasional reporter) and wow was it a powerful read. Here's one of my favorite passages from her adventure to self-discovery...

Amen. I was amazed at how well Robyn could put into words so accurately her internal shifts and insights from her experiences. I feel that's something that has been a hinderance of mine as I write this blog. There is so much going on in my internal being, I can hardly even keep up with it myself let alone transfer it into words on the interwebs. So what to do... I would like to challenge myself by devoting more energy into verbalizing the incredible shifts and emotions and insights I am having here. I need to get to the core of the tricky, meaty, complicated yet undeniably important things to document. So perhaps my next post can be less photos and stories, and more wisdom. 

I thank you for reading and being on this journey with me :)

The full moon marked a month here in Auroville. It was just over a month ago that I met the friends who I put complete trust in night one... we whizzed through busy evening streets of Pondy where I saw the full moon peeking behind buildings and palm trees, symbolizing a new phase in my journey. And on this recent full moon I enjoyed the company of those same friends! But we were all sending one off, my sweet International House wifey Kelsey :) I had the idea to surprise her with a cake on her last night and we pooled together to get her this delicious, locally-made delicacy!  

(She's not pictured here—she's the other curly haired friend I made) 

She was thoughtful enough to write me not one but two beautiful notes on these gorgeous cards. 

After sharing teary goodbyes, I went to the "Pavillion of Tibetan Culture" next door for a long candle-and-moon-lit meditation with recorded Tibetan chanting. I found myself filled with love and motivation to get to the mountains... Himalayas, Cascades, Andes, wherever! I've actually had a lot of part-motivating part-distracting thinking lately about what I feel called to next. (Pause for a moment of gratitude that I get to dream like this for my life!) There are so many interesting and inspiring people I am encountering who live happy, simple lives by following their own paths, not the ones society says they should take. I think there are always people like this around us but we don't hear their stories and voices as loudly as those of people who are "successful" by society's standards. But when I hear about these alternative life paths I don't feel the same anxiety as I do when others imply what I should be doing with my life. Because life is unpredictable! 

Like maybe one day out of nowhere you'll be hit by a motorbike when you're cycling home on an innocuous bike path you take nearly every day! 

Yeah, that happened... Another one of those things that I thought wouldn't happen to me, but life thought differently. I was cruising along on a bike path with random dirt paths that intersect with it, and around a blind turn from one of these came a man on a motorbike going pretty fast. By the time we saw each other there wasn't much time for braking and part of me instantly knew (and accepted) that we were going to collide. His front tire hit the side of mine and I was thrown to the ground with my bike. 

Somewhere as I was going down I heard myself say "sorry" for some reason? Wasn't he the one hitting me? I don't know but I reflected on this interesting tendency of mine later. 

I got up and checked for damage. Besides some small cuts and soon-to-be bruises I was fine, perfectly fine. Phew. Asked if he was okay, he was. Despite sensing some distant tears like storm clouds on the horizon, I was surprisingly calm and well-tempered. Then I looked at my bike and the front tire was very bent. "Shit!"

 The man helped me call the Visitor's Center where I rented the bike. At that time a friend of mine from the farm happened to be cruising by and saw us and stopped. Immediate support was a key element in me not breaking down into those tears! This sweet friend, Nidhin, started giving me solutions to getting my bike back to the VC because they weren't answering. I dismissed the man since I felt Nidhin would help me take it from there. He carried the busted bike to a nearby parking lot and got me a ride to the VC where I explained the situation. They took it from there, and I ended up only paying 150Rs for the wheel (~$2.25) so all of this could have been so so much worse. I am so lucky, so grateful. 

When life throws these curveballs there's so much opportunity for self-observation, interpretation and growth. I observe that:

 I am apologetic and quick to put excess responsibility and pressure on myself

 I am strong and independent in challenging times

 I'm also humble and willing to accept help from others

 I am ductile 

 I am forgiving

 And at the end of it all, I am grateful!

This little rock helped with that last one. I found it right after the incident commenced, it was like the world begging me to seek the love here. There is always love, in any situation, no matter how bad, and we have to constantly train ourselves to see it. Love love love.

So many insights here, too much to share, so now back to "things I've been doing" through pictures!

Cooking class! This wonderful woman prepares delicious breakfast for all the volunteers at the farm every morning and also does a cooking class once a week. Here we made healthy dosas and yummy fried veggie dough balls (sry forgot the name) and COCONUT CHUTNEY! The queen of all chutneys. YUM.

This past weekend was a big one for Auroville because they hosted their 10th annual marathon! Without any advertising, this marathon sees hundreds (thousands?) of people from all over India and the world.  It winds through forested trails and roads and is really a scene. It was pretty amazing to see so many athletic women, men, and kids coming from near and far to tackle it, even those walking at the end were inspiring.

I helped by selling (and eating) some of the products from the farm at the marathon market :)

And contributed to the art tree there when I got bored ;)

That weekend I went to Pondicherry with a friend to visit the ocean, eat some local food, and get turned down by ATMs for cash!

Classic. On the way back we checked out a band from Bangladesh performing for free at a theater in Auroville! Good to see some live music again, it's been a minute. The female lead singer had such a gorgeous voice.

ICYMI, my friend from the University of Oregon happened to be in Auroville at the same time as me! She was staying just outside of AV at Sadhana Forest but came to stay at the International House for a few nights. It was really magical to share some time here with her, and she joined me at the farm one morning!

So good to be a goofball with an old friend, and just indescribably special to see someone from one area of life in a completely different one. She's off to the next town now but I have a feeling our paths will cross again somewhere in this (small) world!

Good, fun energy is still flowing during my mornings at the school. I feel I know these kiddos on a soul level after only a short time with them. Their personalities are so bright! They're so young so there's a lot of transparency in seeing who they are as little humans and what their needs are. And I get to meet those as best I can, without even needing verbal language to understand one another. Goes to show how much of communication is non-verbal, and how much we can connect with others who we don't share a language with... It's a beautiful thing and a joy to be around these crazy children!

Here we are passing a cow as we enter the school grounds. Totally normal.

Play time inside (but still kind of outside)... Spot the child buried in stuffed animals!

The teachers also keep putting flowers in my hair, including a beautiful red rose on Valentine's Day. I'll take this kind of love over whatever I would've felt on "Singles Awareness Day" back in the states! 

Well today marks two weeks left in Auroville, which I feel a million ways about so I'll choose presence and peace as I continue this sweet, unpredictable, engaging journey! Ah! 

Mom wanted more pictures, hopefully these upload with the slow wifi over here... :)

Today somehow already marks three weeks here and I feel I am really in the flow of things now. In the present. Just in time for me to start thinking about the future again... But I'll get to that in a bit.

My time at the farm every morning has become such an important ritual for me. Waking up before the sun, biking through the crisp morning air, collecting and praying around different flowers, seeing a daily work of atmospheric art as the sun peeks over the horizon, getting my hands in the dirt, interacting with the bugs and cats and dogs, and of course connecting with the unique people who share the love of all these things with me. 

It has become the consistent backdrop for me to observe myself and state of being each day. Oh how this waivers... Maybe I spent the night battling mosquitos or stuck in a nightmare or woke up to find some of my money had been recently stolen. Or maybe I woke up to a long nights rest or to the peaceful sound of rain or good dreams. Whatever the case, I have space to process it with Mother Nature to plant or weed or harvest it away.

Being here has also given me the space to practice presence. For a while my mind has had a way of relentlessly holding onto all the people and places and pain of the past so I've found a space to shift that to what's here and now. Of course my mind wanders, mainly to the future now, but I can always bring it back to the delicate seedling between my fingers. And I find this seed and I have some things in common... An opportunity for new life. Nurturing a delicate state of being. Absorbing the nutrients available at this current stage of growth. Not worrying about what the next stage will look like or where the roots will eventually spread or how many fruits it will bear. Just to "grow where planted"...

I enjoy the simplicity of life here. And I've realized it's nothing I can't take with me, I just had to experience it first. For example, my morning and health routines have become ridiculously straightforward. I wake up 20 minutes before leaving for the farm. In that time I meditate/stretch, throw on some clothes, use the bathroom, fill my water and go. I rarely even look in a mirror in the morning. My shower routine has eliminated shaving as well as shampooing/conditioning my hair, so my time and energy is cut down significantly. Not worrying about makeup or hair or anything, what a way to live! This may sound like I've turned into a hairy hippy beast but really not much has changed in my appearance, if anything my skin and hair is responding well to a more natural treatment and I have more time to focus on projecting genuine confidence instead of placing it solely on external appearances.

Simplicity has also been welcomed in my expenses. I have a very minimalistic financial experience here, and I am baffled by how easy it is to live so affordably. I could break down the average costs I'm paying for everything but I'll just say it's no more than $10 a day. I've made this possible by sticking to transport by bicycle or friends, cooking most of my own meals, or finding ways to do activities and eat for free. Actually all easier than it sounds, and of course it's about making connections and getting a little creative.

I receive a free breakfast every morning at the farm, and if nothing else that always makes it worth it, especially if it's dosa Friday!

Bonus that I get to take home fresh veggies too. I also began volunteering at a local school! This provides me free lunch, but so much more than that. The Thamarai school was formed by an Aurovillian ten years ago to bridge the local villages with Auroville by providing education for their children. This playgroup is for kids around 2-3.5 years old to play and learn from 9am-3pm and is intended to build a platform for them to transition into the Thamarai school system. 

And dang, are they cute. And eager to engage and play and discover and interact. Which are all things I also feel when I am with them. I love getting to know their teachers too who have all been so welcoming to me. I am fascinated by differences between the education practices here compared to the West and hope to take some insight with me (to apply to my probable future in working with children). 

As far as what's next, (okay I let myself do some future thinking/planning) I feel there may be no better time to experience my first vipassana course. This is a 10-day meditation course in complete silence and without any external distraction or stimulus. I have been recommended by multiple people to attend a center for this course in the sacred mountain city of Tiruvannalamali only a couple hours away. I applied for the March 1st start which puts me at less than a month left here at Auroville! I'm also dreaming up some travels for after this, but one thing at a time :)